Acting with love — Love, Laughter, & a Full Belly

“What you think you become, what you feel you attract, what you imagine you create.“

I woke up crying from a dream. That rarely happens, but this one truly bothered me; mainly because of the content. It involved a good friend that I knew for over a decade. Our children were close in age, so we saw each other often. After my first stroke she saw me at a function for the children. I was sporting a cane. When she asked what happened I explained that I had a stroke. I never heard from her again.

There were friends that I knew and would see while I was out. Now I was was on my second stroke. They turned and went a different way to avoid me. It became quite evident that I made old friends uncomfortable. The high energy, make-ridiculous-list Lynda was now awkward. The number of tears I have shed over this behavior could fill a bathtub. Until you have suffer a life changing event it impossible to know the right thing to say or do. Having terminal cancer is even harder. I now know that I have the power and knowledge to change people’s persception of me. Suffering in the ways that I have is foreign to many people. The way that I feel about my own disability and illness influences the way others treat me. I used to feel like a victim expecting those around me to soften my suffering. Now, I feel empowered knowing that it is my own responsibility. I can change the relationships I have and make them better.

I went out for the first time in over 3 months and saw people race to get through their check lists—something our society endorses. I remembered that at one time, that was me. So I cut a little slack on the judgment of my old friends. I was that person who couldn’t find a minute for compassion. Someone may be suffering, but life goes on.

There are two sides to my life. The precancerous side and now. I understood that Lynda with a list . I recognize the friends I had the were a reflection of the life I was living.

And then there’s now.... the opposite of the woman above. This new version of me is patient, compassionate, and (within reason) has time to give. I have discovered a host of beautiful people who say... I wish I had know you sooner.... I think we would be friends. People I have never met, and may never meet. They open their hearts to me. They take time to write warm thoughts, they send flowers. Some are from my past, many I have yet to meet. I may never meet them. In am so grateful for their kindness and compassion. I now understand “what you feel you attract “, the kindness I have received from family, old and new friends feeds my soul.

I asked my husband if we could put on a deck. I can no longer trike, and am craving sun. I don’t move well at all, so cruising across grass is hard now. A nice flat deck would be a dream. Because he is the most wonderful husband in the world he started to draft plans. Never one to take the easy path it is a 2 tiered deck. I got so excited about this project. I never expected to hear that there was a 1-2 month wait on the lumber (guess Covid has everyone building deck right now). This was sad news....time is not on my side. We’ve been doing business with Curier lumber for years. Their sister company ( Milford lumber) was across the street from The Good Loaf. They are great people. So when John got the news he went to explain our situation. Three days later John got a phone call from the lumber company. They there able to piece together our order, and the lumber would be here in a few weeks. I cried like a baby. It is a business with a heart. I will be forever gratful.

I would like to offer a bit of advice:

Try to make time for your aging parents, many are simply lonely and need to know they matter.

If you know someone who went through or is going through a life altering experience, reach out to them. Avoiding them makes them feel like you don’t care.

Never make a promise that you can’t follow through. That sets up an expectation, which leads to disappointment.

And most critical, act on your feelings. If you see you spouse across the room and you think ,”boy do I love them”, get up and give them a hug. They can’t read your mind after all. Too many missed moments go by because it takes effort.

Thank you all for the extraordinary kindness I have recieved these past months… it makes dying easier.