...this is it

We are at the end. I feel it in every part of my being. My mom is transitioning from her body onwards right in front of me. I cannot stop crying. I keep thinking about everything my mom has given me throughout my life, and how connected we really are. I know that connection will never die. Her body may fail, and her spirit will leave, but it will scatter to find homes in the people she loves. I just hope that I can carry part of her strong spirit with grace. While I lay crying with my head on her chest she uses the little strength she has left to brush my tears away. That is grace.

She is afraid of overburdening those that care for her. I believe that the devotion I give to her reflects the devotion she gave to me. I also believe that people need to learn how to care. Caring for others is how you build true strength. It is what keeps me afloat in dark water because I am reminded of all that is greater than myself. We are our own worst enemies. I feel far from sinking because I know that as long as I can give, I can be happy. It is something that can never be taken from me. 

She wants to be done. When the real painkillers came out she wanted to put an end to all of it. She does not feel awake anymore; she drifts in and out of sleep constantly. The thought of seeing people is exhausting. She is tired, bloated, and uncomfortable. Talking is becoming increasingly difficult. It takes incredible effort for her to focus on conversation. I know in every vibrating cell of my being that she will go when she is ready. That she needs to struggle until she finds peace with her body and all that it has achieved while carrying her. Her struggle is feeding the strength of her soul. Her soul is already fantasizing about running, swimming, or flying in her next form. 

For my mom, this process is leaving her vulnerable and weak. She wants to process her death, but has trouble finding the energy. However, she is not scared. She is accepting all the changes as they come. Her biggest worry is leaving the people she loves. She wants all of you to know that she holds you in her heart. She does not regret her choices; they were the right choices for her. It is important to her that you know accepting the uncontrollable brought her peace. Surrendering to her body let her focus on loving deeper. 

This year (and every other) that we had together was a gift. Thank you mama for teaching me the power of an open heart. It is my time to carry her gently out of this life just as she brought me into it.