Sometimes we are kinder to our pets than people

Genevive came home the other day visibly upset. She attends school with a young woman who is a part-time hospice nurse. For obvious reasons this is a hot button topic with our family. The woman was sharing a situation with a patient who is suffering from ALS. In this case the disease progressed rapidly . The patient had no DNR, and her family couldn’t let go. It was explained to Genevive that with this disease the person either suffocates or starves. They lose the ability to swallow. The solution is to give a drug that will suppress their appetite. How is that humane?

I watched my sister suffer and die. The week before her passing the sister I knew was gone. Her ravaged body was there but the spirit had left. I wonder if modern medicine weren’t available would her body surrender sooner? I struggle to understand the benefit of prolonging suffering. Suffering for the family as well as the person. If compassion is a piece of every religion why would we allow prolonged suffering? If death is inevitable, and the path to death is only through pain and suffering, is easing that suffering wrong?

My best friend’s mother just passed away from lung cancer. She was 89. She died at home. Hospice came, but only in the final days. Their method to give comfort in the end is through various opioids. Death is accelerated through the use of morphine. It’s a balance of letting death take a natural course, and preventing suffering. At that point all quality of life is gone. Death at the hand of cancer is often painful. Hospice care givers are some amazing humanitarians. Every day they assist in the final days of a life. It’s a highly emotionally charged environment to walk into.  Everyone involved is forced to confront mortality in their own way, leaving them completely drained. 

I would be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about my death.  When the morphine comes out you’re toast. In Buddhism staying fully present while dying affords you a chance to discover life’s deepest truths. That won’t happen if you’re doped up.

I had many, many reasons to seek help, mental health help. Terminal cancer was the breaking point. My goal in seeking help is  to die peacefully. It requires acceptance and letting go. It requires loving oneself. It requires discipline. I was physically disciplined, but mentally it was a free for all. In Buddhism it is said that the practice of meditation can foster an environment where a person can endure both emotional and physical pain, which in turn allows one to remain present To seek discipline now, and to manage one’s death is a marathon of the mind. I’m not so sure I will get there. 

It is difficult to be present in everyday life.. I’m rarely able to achieve it.  Last night I didn’t feel very well. It woke me from sleep. I decided it was an opportunity to exercise control of my mind during discomfort. Not pain, but discomfort. I didn’t fare well. Why should I? This method requires practice which I don’t do. I’ve been in pain but I am scared that it will be beyond my ability to maintain control. I will concede and lose to the drugs. Then I will no longer be aware of the last minutes of my life.  

I had a beautiful German  Shepard (max) he was old and sick. When he couldn’t play ball, had trouble getting up, and had no bladder control; I knew it was time. A gentle woman came to the house to assist. I built a fire, placed his bed in front of it, gathered all his favorite toys, gave him treats as Genevive held his head in her lap, and the woman administered the medication. 

I know this is dangerous territory, but one of the first things I did after being told I was going to die was research physician assisted suicide. It’s illegal in our “live free or die state.” However all the states that surround New Hampshire allow for it.

Many people have commented on how brave I am. I am not brave. I'm a yankee. I’m practical. I’ve had 3 strokes, a cerebral thrombosis , and now terminal cancer. I get the hint.  If I have to leave this earth early, I want some terms. It’s the ultimate exit strategy. If I were brave I would not be searching for a gentle way to die. If I can’t be present there is no reason to prolong death. I would prefer to die like my dog. 

In writing this piece I’ve discovered that my choice of death represents not the person I am but the person I want to be. It reveals stark truths that unaddressed will leave me searching for an easy way out. I will continue to evolve, and hopefully will put the work into staying present in my life and at my death.