Leave your ego at the door

Defining ego has always been a struggle for me. When I hear the word, I immediately make the association with egotistical. I didn’t study psychology in school, so I guess that puts me a disadvantage. 

My ego continues to plague me in everyday life. Since my short term memory is better, I will offer a recent example. My older daughter’s life is different that mine. Many times we don’t align, and that’s ok. If you have kids then you understand. There is one thing that we do have in common. We are both headstrong and stubborn.

Something was bothering me a few months ago within my family. In my quest for candor I decided to address it. Now before I sent anything, I tried to make sure it came from a loving place. But it was not well received. I had this need to prove my point—to be right. This behavior lurks in all of us. Yet we often don’t calculate the cost. We didn’t speak for almost a month. No big deal, unless you’re dying.

I never liked getting into an argument with my husband. He can spar with the best of them. The guy should have been a lawyer. It is exhausting. I learned if your going to disagree with him it better be worth it. We are both headstrong. Now maybe there is a theme at work here.

The other night we were discussing a topic that we didn’t agree on. John is an engineer. Practical, analytical, and had a keen lawyerly delivery. I’m the flighty, arts farsy, “I don’t want to hear details let’s just do it” kind of person.

Before we got to far into the discussion he said, “we don’t think the same way. “ And that’s ok. He was right... and without my emotions and ego in the way, I could completely understand. And that was that.

Here’s where it gets gray and fuzzy for me. I’ve been through some serious depression. I felt bad for myself but I felt worse for my family. I would constantly apologize for our situation. It was my duty to take responsibility for our crisis. That is the western way. It never occurred to me that that was my ego. I attached myself to something that I had no control over. By doing that it drove my depression deeper. Because I am an emotional feeder, I became good at it, and I took my family with me. In the depth of my depression I could only see and hear the negative loop I was convinced was the truth. I couldnt see what it was doing to others.

If only I had removed the ego, that prevents me from attaching on to something that I had no control over; leaving more room for my happiness. 

I think the secret to dying peacefully is truly letting go. My sister and father struggled with this. It seems to be easier for me. I think the strokes were my training ground. I simply have less to lose. With time the seven stages of death would fade. Acceptance and gratitude allows me to continue to enjoy my life

There is a poem I read after my dad died. The message felt so relatable in my sorrow;

Funeral Blues

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message 'He is Dead'.
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now; put out every one,
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun,
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood;
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

-W H Auden

https://allpoetry.com/Funeral-Blues

As I let go of my dad, the poem’s impact on me changed. I will always miss him, but can read this with less ache.

I’ve haven’t gracefully understood Buddhism. I read and re-read passages and still don’t get it. It appears to give calm and peace to millions of people. My husband would pick on me about my fixation over the Dali Lama. He just emulates calm and kindness . Who doesn’t want that in their lives? Does he have any attachments? What is considered a healthy attachment? As we age do we inherantly understand that you can’t take our stuff with us? If you look at the bell curve that most people associate with the progression of life, maybe when you are on the back side of the graph is when you must learn to let go.

However, If I didn’t attach to my ego, would I bother to put the work into the Good Loaf? Would I put the work into this blog? Is attachment passion? Does passion arise from ego? Can you have passion without ego? Can you have success without ego?

I have driven deeply into my attachment to creating. I have let it impact all aspects of my life. When I owned the Good Loaf I chose to forgo sleep, nourishment, and time with family. I produced something I was truly proud of that provided for my community. In return I recieved praise from customers. They fed my drive to create, and in turn fed my ego. I now have a quiet life. I have deep connections with my family. I am more present than ever. I am grateful for all of it.

I have been letting go for a decade, running, cycling, swimming, climbing ,baking.  I’ve been called the lady with the jogger, bread lady, trike lady. I guess now it’s blog lady. I had to let go, adapt, and reinvent myself.

Lately I’ve been cleaning out my closet so there is less for John and Genevive to deal with. As I hauled shoes and clothes from my closet, I had that attachment twinge. I shook it off and I let it go. The went back in the closet for more.

May I offer a suggestion, pick something you love and cherish, and give it to someone you care about. Don’t cheat and pick something that was earmarked for goodwill. It should make you hesitate. If you are a runner, swimmer, althete of any kind, give up those hours and offer that time to a volunteer organization. Practice letting go.

This is where it gets hard, soon I will have to let go of my family and friends. I have to accept that I won’t see my daughter have an amazing career, or see her get married, or give me grandchildren to hold. I have to accept that my husband may re-marry. I have to accept that I will been gone before my mother. 

I have to accept that over time my family will have to let go of me.  And as was the case for me with my dad, over time the words of the poem wont hurt so much.