They are rescheduling the date of my death

It always starts with something small. In my case it was constipation (told you I would  be honest) the tumor that started it all grew which of course is causing problems. As a result, I had to go in for an X-ray. That revealed a new predator on my pelvic bone. This news sparked curiosity from my oncologists team. A CT  was done. Good to know where else the cancer is hiding. For me it give me a idea of how many blog posts I have left to write. I guess I get up to 6 more months for good behavior.... obviously they don’t know me😉

If only I was practicing gratitude at this age.

None of this news bothered me. Without expectations emotions take a back seat. It amazing how much more you can hear when your heart’s not racing, your palms aren’t sweating waiting for those words « your cured » or the words you « dread, the cancer has spread. « For both my sister and father, they chose harsh treatments and wanted to see the reward of their suffering. The anticipation of a scan was filled with hope and fear.  Hearing the word « hospice » meant the fight was over. For me there was no fight.  Hospice meant relief for my family. 

My death is like gaining weight. It creeps up on you and before you know it your pants dont fit. With cancer, the pants fall off. I feel like a pregant woman…. sick to my stomach, food and smells are different, I am achy, and exhausted all the time. But I can breathe.

I love my palliative care nurse. She is restoring my faith in the medical community. She listens and hears what I say, she is respectful. Her head is not buried behind her laptop.  I have come to understand what it means to be a good patient. It’s a team effort. Assuming that you doctor understands your body, accepting their words as gospel is a mistake. Make notes... I always forget something when I meet with a physician. If they aren’t a good fit... find someone else. My palliative care nurse looks right at me. I sense no ego from her, but compassion. I can start hospice whenever I wish. My mobility is increasingly challenging, so I don’t enjoy going out. I may start soon.

I find it interesting how people react to this news... it’s the half full, half empty response. For Genevive and me, it was good news, we were happy. From my mom there were tears and sadness. I had to remind her that technically I should be dead right now

Last night I dreamt about the death of George Floyd.  I don’t expect all of you to have death be on your mind as it is with me.  That wouldn’t be healthy. At some point you will be faced with it. It is the inescapable truth.  There is a saying in Buddhism: aging is unavoidable, illness is unavoidable, death is unavoidable. Before the strokes I felt invincible. I treated my body as if it were invincible. Now I’m the poster child for illness and disability. As we all age illness and death become more tangible. 

The coronavirus is a global crisis; a wake-up call for humanity. Who has not thought that the human race was spinning out of control, that with the avancement of technology the human connection was melting in the hot pursuit of more ..... fill in the blank.... cars, boats, homes, clothes .

It took the threat  of our existant in a way that force us to stay home with our family. We had more time to be present. We were spending more time safe at home. The number of people who realized they had too much stuff, the clutter from basements and closets that were at the end of driveways with  free sign next to it. The renewed respect for teachers as parents had to take a bigger roll in the education of the children. 

And let’s not forget the sprouting of new bread bakers that I saw pop up. Bread bakers! And not just any bread but sourdough, which requires nurturing and time, and PATIENCE. I have a deep appreciation for the meditative nature of making bread. At mimimum its an 8 hour commitment. Until now, it was rarely considered. If I have learned nothing else, I’ve learned slowing down, being vulnerable is not a negative trait. We should all feel vulnerable right now. I see and hear of people who feel their freedom of choice is being violated by the request for face covering. I hope they have a DNR. 

Im so gratful for more time on earth. I cherish my family. I have more to say to you. If everyone got a whiff of death, they just might stop complaining. This is a chance to reinvent yourself, to connect with the earth. Running through nature beats running on the treadmill at the health club.

Thanks to the medical community, dying from natural causes doesn’t exist. For some it will be cancer, or your heart, or a tragic accident or the deadly virus . This is why I feel fortunate. I can create an environment where the dying process is planned, hopefully peaceful, and I am with my loving family. It is selfish of me to say this, but for every person that feel the need to excercise their freedom by refusing to wear a mask, you are jeopardizing my chances for that to happen... it just a mask after all… be grateful you are alive to wear it!