Who can I blame

I have been to almost every hospital in New Hampshire, Dartmouth in Lebanon the most. I have no fondness for this place. I think they call my reaction  to that hospital  PTSD. Ive been ignored by many because I present as a healthy person. I drove 1.5 hours with a head full of blood clots and was sent home with a bottle of Aleve and an explanation that i was in a migraine cycle. I was diagnosed with a cerebral thrombosis and never referred to a neurologist. It took me 5 days after my first stroke before anyone would see me, and even then they sent me through the ER.. ( and we all know what that’s like). I was told that I had a bleed over the phone, and didn’t know that a bleed was a stroke, until I saw my physical therapist. 

I’m not a angry person but even typing this sends my blood pressure through the roof. The results of this kind of treatment are detrimental in ways I hope no other person has to experience. 

I now have terminal cancer. Although it makes no sense to many, I have chosen to forgo treatment. My life, and that of my family has been severely affected by my physical issues. I’ve been blaming the doctors for years. I’ve had anger for years. I’ve had stupid issues with my brother, with my mom. Now I’m dying and all I want is to go with love in my heart.

We give too much power to those in a white coat. They are human. There are the geeky kids that were in your school. They have lives beyond your medical issues and a patient load that for many is unmanageable. When I make the choice to let the disease run a natural course every physician I saw would re-introduce my chemo therapy options. They took an oath to maximize lives no matter the cost or quality. My Dad died of lung cancer. My sister died of lung cancer after 6 years of chemo (think of having the flu for 6 years). Their treatments were punishing and it was hard to watch.

It is not that I’m against treatment, but with a terminal diagnosis, the outcome doesn’t change. Only when the outcome occurs changes. No one can predict that time. My Oncologist gave me a year—and when I pushed for details I had 9 months of reasonable health. As of today I’m at 8. Why am I telling this detail? I played the numbers game in my head and it does nothing for me but I cannot stop those hearing those words. I now know better. I made a choice to live every day fearless. Some times the less you know the better.